Geez....Driving Lessons for Relationships!

Gosh! "Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?" I hear Avril Lavigne singing over and over in my head. This is usually the lyric of my life after a friendship ends with a guy once he realizes that we'll never be in a romantic relationship. Why must things be so complicated? Is it a crime to truly just be friends with someone, or must EVERY friendship be leading to a romantic relationship? I sooo dont want to have THAT feeling anymore. You know, that feeling where you go and review what went wrong? What you said that you shouldn't have; the things you did that you never should have done, or allowed to be done, said,etc. Aaah! The thought of it makes me want to scream! So tonight, in an effort to AVOID having THAT feeling EVER AGAIN in regards to relationships/friendships with men, I sought the advice of a good friend ! I asked her questions like.....what should the "friendship stage" look like with a guy? How much is too much during that phase? Until you KNOW that you should move forward toward being more than friends.....what do you do?

In my effort to approach male-female friendships with a much different mindset than I've had in the past, I was digging deep to ask all of the "tough" questions! I am determined to have quality relationships that last! I want to get it right, ya know? I AM capable of having healthy friendships with people of the opposite sex. This is what she said......Until you know, keep it in NEUTRAL. Hmm.....that's interesting advice, I thought. Neutral? But neutral sounds so BORING. (I would think that! Such the mind of a serious ex-offender on many occasions in years past of manipulating men's minds, and leading them on to thinking that I was actually interested in developing serious relationships with them when I in fact just loved the attention, and had NO INTENT whatsoever in committing to a REAL relationship!) I kept thinking, You mean you don't put it in DRIVE? High speed, and then REVERSE real quickly when things get uncomfortable? or too far?............YIKES! My mindset needed more work than I initially realized!

I listened to her talk in detail about how men really do follow the woman's lead in terms of how far is too far and where she's willing to ALLOW the friendship/relationship/interaction to go. She explained that a man can and should make his intentions known but women get the final choice on what she's willing to accept, and how oftentimes, women end up hurt, confused, or disappointed simply because we allow ourselves to get emotionally involved with someone too early. I soon realized that she was correct. If there was any misunderstanding on where the relationship was going, or thing seemed to get out of hand, it was MY FAULT! I was the one that made things complicated! Whether he initiated it or not, I chose to or not to internalize the comments he made, things he said, etc. She convinced me that until we are sure that we should move forward.....we should just keep it neutral. Simply a friend/brother-sister relationship! After all, its the safest way to make sure we don't CRASH and BURN later!

Good advice! One day, I will put it in DRIVE (remaining careful to follow all the precautions, speed limits(from mentors) and take note of hazard signs) but until then I'll be putting it in NEUTRAL (minimizing flirting, one-on-one interactions, watching my conversations, and definitely pumping the brakes when needed.) It really is the best choice to minimize confusion, ill-intentions, misunderstandings, and even potential disappointment in the future.

Waiting for Stratford and keeping it in NEUTRAL until I KNOW its him!

                                           

Date, Date, Date To Find Your Mate!!!!??!

Hmmm......is dating REALLY the CURE for singleness? Afterall, singleness is a disease right? Or is that just the way that so many people treat this time of cultivation, transformation, confidence building, and maturing? Earlier this week I watched a highly accomplished psychologist who specialized in relationships say that his best advice for a single person looking to be married was to date, date, date and then date more. "Its a numbers game, he said." He went on to say, "the person who goes on the most dates, wins!" Hmmm......do I agree with this thinking.....no! On the contrary, I think that the problem for so many single people is that they have adapted this philosophy.  We all know people that spend so much time going in and out of relationships, only to still be empty inside. Instead of moving closer to marriage,  this "practicing divorce behavior" caused them to get further away from their intended goal. When each relationship ended, they retreated in depression or aggressively looked for another substitute to try to heal the wounds left by the previous offender.
Don't misunderstand my intentions. I do believe that dating, and even more courtship have their place, but EVERY SINGLE PERSON IS NOT READY TO DATE.  In addition to a dating period, there must also be a "sit down, and figure out who you are" period.  If someone has not discovered their personal likes, dislikes, purpose, etc. BEFORE they start dating, this is a recipe for disaster.  Besides, when you have the rest of your life to be connected with someone why not take this short time to develop into your BEST single self?!

Im just sayin......I like so many other single people do desire to one day be married. However, I am not willing to compromise my happiness in order just date, date, date recklessly.  I am now at a point where I could date someone confidently because my heart has completely healed of past hurts. But there was a time when practicing the date, date, date, and date more lifestyle would have been both detrimental to me and each man I dated.

We must know US, before we can know others!

Patiently Waiting and Making Wise Choices!

I Need A Husband to Help Plunge My Toilet!!!!

I overheard the funniest conversation at work recently! There was an issue with the toilet and one of our young female employees beckoned one of the guys to plunge it for her. He went on to say, that he would gladly show her HOW to plunge a toilet for future reference. Her response..........."I don't need to know how to plunge toilets. That's why I'm getting married. My husband will do that stuff for me!" WOW! What an enormous statement! We all laughed at her hilarious response. However, it caused me to think much deeper. Although, this is a lighthearted example I think it accurately represents the mindset of so many women waiting on "their husbands" before they can learn something, do something, buy something, build something.....enjoy life! Of course, as a single woman I am excitedly waiting for the day that I'll be able to share experiences with my husband. However, it is not fair to me or him for me to WAIT until he comes before I can start enjoying my life!

Besides, is this not bringing "baggage into the relationship?" Oftentimes, "baggage" as it relates to relationships is often referred to the emotional baggage of past hurts, disappointments, and mistakes. However, I am starting to think that entering a relationship with the mindset of the other person rescuing you in a particular area is in every way bringing baggage and laying it at the feet of the other person. We must live our best life NOW!!! I, as a single should be thinking......"What will I bring to his life? How can I make him better? How will I be able to add? What can I be doing now to be a greater asset to him?" To start thinking selfishly before the relationship ever starts is a recipe for disappointment later........ (Besides, if I have a toilet that needs to be plunged......I cant wait around for my husband to get here. I need it plunged NOW! :-))

Patiently Waiting and Destroying A "Baggage" Mindset!

Shouting From The Rooftop: I Dont Date MARRIED MEN!!

Geez, OK. I know I may sound a little bit like I'm venting.....because I am. When it comes to the large number of married men that hit on me, I have a brewing  frustration for multiple reasons!


1. It is upsetting period that a man would commit to a woman, start a family, and appear to build a solid relationship on promises and principles and then have the audacity to at the same time attempt to start something with me, a successful single. Come on, men. Seriously?! Don't commit, if you're not ready. If you're having problems at home. DEAL WITH THEM AT HOME. Do not attempt to use a single woman ( me or any other woman who's not your wife) as your blanket of comfort or source of entertainment to distract you from the dysfunction of your own household.
2. I am highly disappointed in the women that DO develop intimate relationships with married men. Surely, the reason that those men believe that I am willing to cross the sacred boundaries of marriage, and develop something with them is because so many women ARE willing. Ladies, have enough respect for yourself to know that you are worth much more than being a man's side dish. Girlfriend, you have the ability to be the appetizer, the main course, the dessert, and his drink! Don't settle for another woman's sloppy seconds!....Keep moving!

Lastly, it frustrates me (and I may be looking too deep into this, but just bear with me) that a man would think that because I am single......I'm desperate enough to be willing to talk to "just anybody" whether he's married or not! Excuse me. I am single by choice. I choose to remain single until the caliber of man that I am worth/the man created for me presents himself to me. When he does, I am more than certain that  he will not----be married, disrespectful, rude, or punkish about pursuing me.Whew!........I feel so much better!

Patiently Waiting ( for a man that's NOT ALREADY MARRIED!)